Friday, May 31, 2013

i've got skills

new skills honed by motherhood:

* cooking meals with one arm, and one or more large, loud, hungry koala bears latched to my person
* driving with one arm in the back seat of my car (they think texting and driving is dangerous - they should outlaw driving with toddlers in the car)
* yeah, actually, just doing anything and everything with one arm, while lugging 25-50lb weights (i'm considering a second career in body building)
* turning any meal into a smorgasbord of 1/4 inch toddler snacks
* peeing, pooping and showering with an audience
* defining "shower" as the cleansing of my face and armpits
* wearing maternity jeans well after the baby vacated the premises
* making shit up ALL the time on the fly, in response to the constant barrage of complex questioning (if you drink bath water, bugs will grow in your belly; if you stick your arm out the car window, a bee might fly into your palm and become embedded; if you are mean to your little sister, santa will not bring you presents; you have to brush your teeth two times a day, or else they will turn green and rot out of your mouth and no one will want to be your friend; yes, i just went pee in the toilet and that is why i am stuffing my face with M&Ms; when you grow up, you can __________ [chew gum/drink soda/drive/wipe your own ass/be the boss/ride a motorcycle, etc.])
* public displays of affection
* acting like it's totally normal to go an entire day with someone else's bodily fluids on my clothes
* plane travel while wrestling an angry octopus (don't try this at home)
* changing the diaper of a moving target
* bathing two soapy, slippery little suckers simultaneously, rarely dropping either one
* carrying on telephone conversations with screaming hyenas in the background, and/or when said hyenas are trying to divest me of my communication device
* surviving sustained sleep deprivation and still appearing (to most) as a functioning adult human
* letting go of my OCD (a little) and learning to be okay with persistent, low-level filth
* embracing chaos (it's a reluctant embrace, like when you're cornered at a family reunion by your creepy uncle wally, who's not actually your uncle (i don't think), and who thinks you are your mother (who passed away over a decade ago) but hey, baby steps)
* being okay with not knowing everything, and being wrong (every once in a while ;))
* being a lot less judgy and a lot more understanding
* mastery of the 15 minute target shopping trip
* tempering my gag reflex
* whispering in a menacing manner and its corollary, Mom Voice
* i am really, REALLY good at counting to three
* bat ears/supersonic hearing
* reading books upside-down, otherwise they "CAN'T SEEEEEE IIIIIIIT!!!"
* amateur pediatrics and child psychology degrees at University of Google
* stealth, speedy ninja sex
* purchasing supremely embarrassing items from the drug store with a straight face (Gas X, Korbel, condoms, super-duper tampons and a jumbo-pack of pregnancy tests (either way i'm gonna need at least three out of five!))

things that i am completely incapable of doing since i became a mom:

* holding an adult conversation when there are children in the vicinity
* remembering that thing i was just thinking about/looking for
* leaving the house with less than 37 pounds of baggage (and that's not even counting my kids)
* arriving anywhere on time
* driving past a firetruck, ambulance, garbage truck or any manner of construction vehicle without getting really excited by proxy and pointing and exclaiming "LOOK!"
* basic math
* keeping the house, car and dog clean
* putting laundry away where it belongs
* maintaining normal adult human obligations such as regular medical check ups and dental care
* shaving (both, entire legs) on a regular basis ... bikini... fuhgeddaboudit...
* finishing a thought or a sentence
* staying up late
* "partying"
* sleeping through the night
* giving a shit what other people think/say about my parenting and lifestyle
* giving a shit about other peoples' parenting and lifestyles
* foreplay
* achieving my pre-baby weight
* wearing uncomfortable/matching underwear
* sneezing or laughing really hard without peeing a little bit
* remembering what my life was like "before" (what on earth did we DO with all that free time?!?)
* relaxing
* feeling shame

things i pretend i don't know how to do anymore when my husband is around (shhhh, don't tell my women's studies professors ;))

* use any and all household electronics, including remote controls and the DVR
* open a wine bottle
* reach things from tall shelves
* mix a pitcher of crystal light
* go grocery shopping (except and target, those i can handle)
* pick up dog poop
* take out the garbage
* blowjobs (i mysteriously manage to refresh my recollection at opportune times, e.g., in cases of emergency and/or as a bribery negotiating tactic ;))

things my husband pretends he doesn't know how to do anymore when i'm around:

* pee IN the toilet
* hold in gas
* surreptitiously rearrange his junk
* basic table manners
* romance, including those long lost sweet serenades on his gee-tar
* hear certain frequencies of baby tears between the hours of 2 and 6am

what skills have YOU learned/lost?




  1. This is my new favorite list EVAH! I swear I want to print it out. haha! How did you contain enough brain power to even compose it? That alone would have taken me a year. I would have forgotten what the hell I was writing about. There are too many *favorites* to list. I nodded my head at too many! GREATNESS!

    1. Thank you! You are too kind! Some days I can string together some sentences. Other days, not so much! :)

  2. Yes to ALL of this!! Target in 15 minutes - oh yeah! Buying embarrassing things with no embarrassment - uh huh!! Check Check Check!! Thanks for hooking up today! (The Shitastrophy)

    1. Thanks for co-hosting! I think shitastrophy is my new favorite word ;)