Tuesday, June 4, 2013

good cop, bad cop

Signs that I am going to be the bad cop (as if i didn't already know):

Disclaimer: Husband, a.k.a. Daddy Mack a.k.a. DM a.k.a. the handsome hirsute man who sleeps in my bed and listens to 13% of what I say, is the super-awesomest dad and husband ever in the whole world. But. He is not a "Rules Guy." He can't even do Dad Voice with a straight face. He is definitely, 100% a "Yes Man"... which means I am the perennial bad guy. But hey, ya gotta play to your strengths, right?

Husband, explaining to my father the difference between our parenting philosophies: "She takes more of a preventative approach to bodily harm and imminent disaster. Me, I just sit back and watch and hope for the best. It usually works out alright."

I don't know who's more upset when I say it's time to turn off the cartoons and go to bed - Daddy or Jack.  Daddy and Jack can, and do, recite entire scenes from Cars, Nemo and Shrek like a couple of frat boys doing Dazed and Confused. The other night, during a date, DM spent five minutes setting up and delivering a joke from Bubble Guppies. When I didn't laugh, he said, "Wait, maybe I didn't explain it well," and was ready to try again. And yes, there is a show called Bubble Guppies. I'm not sure if my kids watch it, but my husband does :)

It usually takes DM about 2 hours to put Jack to bed, while it takes everyone else 30 minutes. Daddy Mack's explanation: "He didn't want to get out of the bath/he didn't want to brush his teeth/he wanted to read twenty-seven books/he wanted to order a pizza/he wanted to watch an entire movie at 9pm... what was I supposed to do?" Me: "I'm gonna let you in on a secret, my love. You are the boss. Well. I am the boss. But between you and our children, you are the boss."

This actually leads to a more general observation of our divergent parenting styles - Me: "Do you want to brush your own teeth, or do you want me to brush them for you?" DM: "Do you feel like brushing your teeth? No? Okay how about later?" [P.S. - "Later", in toddler language, is somewhere between 3 minutes and infinity.]

Husband, to one year old: "Okay, you can hit the [fragile, expensive, glass, pendant] light one more time, but that's it."

Husband, to toddler: "Yes, you can take your yogurt into the ball pit, just try not to spill it."

Husband, after letting the baby play with, and break, overpriced video monitor: "Shit. I mean shoot. Well, it still works, sorta. Maybe we should just put it up high so she'll forget about it." Me: "Or, we could be parents, and say, 'No, sweet pea, that's not a toy." Husband: "Yeeeeaahhh, that's not gonna happen." Me: "Wishful thinking."

Husband, after baby pitched, and broke, mama's iPhone: "See, this is why we should not have expensive things. By the way, did you see that arm? Eh? Eh?" Me: "Yeah... or... we could be parents and tell our children no from time to time." Are you noticing a theme here? But no. That would just be silly, Mama :)

Baby Colby was sitting on Daddy's lap at the table, vigorously pushing a bowl of milk around with a fork. The object of the game appeared to be sloshing the entire contents of the bowl onto the table top. After my pointed stares failed to elicit the desired reaction, I said, "That's probably not the best idea?" so he took away the milk and gave her the Heath Ceramics salt shaker. Me: "That's probably not the best toy either." Him: "Why not?" Me: "Because those are $45 salt and pepper shakers. And they're breakable. And I don't want those dirty little paws touching where my salt comes out." Him: "Oh my God. Why do we have $45 salt and pepper shakers?" Me: "Good question."

Husband puts baby down on glass-topped coffee table, between two glasses of wine and a large potted cactus. Me: "Uh, that's probably not the best place for her to hang out." Him: "Why not?"

Jack (2.5 years old) is the one who has to remind Daddy (37 years old) of his table manners. And for this, I am actually thankful, because when I asked if he could please try to NOT talk with his mouth full now that we have two little mimics in tow, his response was, "Nope." Me: Disbelieving stare. Him: "Look, I'm not trying to be defiant or anything. I've just got 37 years of bad habits in place and that's probably not changing any time soon." Me: Resigned sigh. Oh well! Maybe mini Mr. Manners will have better luck than I :)

Out at a restaurant. Colby, sitting on DM's lap, puts her feet on the table. I say "No feet on the table, please." So DM takes off her shoes, and Colby proceeds to put her bare feet on the table. Me: "Um, no feet on the table. It doesn't make it any better just because you took her shoes off." DM: "It makes it a little better." NO IT DOES NOT omg.

In our house, the saying goes, "Don't make me call your mother." (But they don't really worry because they know he never will! :))

When DM makes his "mean/serious" face, the children laugh hysterically.

Shoot. DM read my first post and said it was good, but, "Make the next one shorter." Fail. Words! Too many words!

courtesy of google images/
"Funny Pictures Gallery along all funny Girls stuff!"
Sounds intriguing, no?

A Mother Life
Hump Day Hookup #27 on AMotherLife.com


  1. As another bad cop, I so hear you! This was SO funny! The worst is when I go do something on a school night and assume I'll come home to the kids in bed, like they would be if it were me watching them, because it's a frickin' school night and they're supposed to be in bed. Instead I come home to all three (hubs & 2 boys) of them in the family room, eating popcorn and watching Point Break. WTF? Yeah. Like Point Break was the kids idea. lol

    1. HA! You too?!? Mine will take the kid grocery shopping and come home and be like, "He made me buy skittles." lol. I do love me some Point Break though :)