Tuesday, June 4, 2013

good cop, bad cop

Signs that I am going to be the bad cop (as if i didn't already know):

Disclaimer: Husband, a.k.a. Daddy Mack a.k.a. DM a.k.a. the handsome hirsute man who sleeps in my bed and listens to 13% of what I say, is the super-awesomest dad and husband ever in the whole world. But. He is not a "Rules Guy." He can't even do Dad Voice with a straight face. He is definitely, 100% a "Yes Man"... which means I am the perennial bad guy. But hey, ya gotta play to your strengths, right?

Husband, explaining to my father the difference between our parenting philosophies: "She takes more of a preventative approach to bodily harm and imminent disaster. Me, I just sit back and watch and hope for the best. It usually works out alright."

I don't know who's more upset when I say it's time to turn off the cartoons and go to bed - Daddy or Jack.  Daddy and Jack can, and do, recite entire scenes from Cars, Nemo and Shrek like a couple of frat boys doing Dazed and Confused. The other night, during a date, DM spent five minutes setting up and delivering a joke from Bubble Guppies. When I didn't laugh, he said, "Wait, maybe I didn't explain it well," and was ready to try again. And yes, there is a show called Bubble Guppies. I'm not sure if my kids watch it, but my husband does :)

It usually takes DM about 2 hours to put Jack to bed, while it takes everyone else 30 minutes. Daddy Mack's explanation: "He didn't want to get out of the bath/he didn't want to brush his teeth/he wanted to read twenty-seven books/he wanted to order a pizza/he wanted to watch an entire movie at 9pm... what was I supposed to do?" Me: "I'm gonna let you in on a secret, my love. You are the boss. Well. I am the boss. But between you and our children, you are the boss."

This actually leads to a more general observation of our divergent parenting styles - Me: "Do you want to brush your own teeth, or do you want me to brush them for you?" DM: "Do you feel like brushing your teeth? No? Okay how about later?" [P.S. - "Later", in toddler language, is somewhere between 3 minutes and infinity.]

Husband, to one year old: "Okay, you can hit the [fragile, expensive, glass, pendant] light one more time, but that's it."

Husband, to toddler: "Yes, you can take your yogurt into the ball pit, just try not to spill it."

Husband, after letting the baby play with, and break, overpriced video monitor: "Shit. I mean shoot. Well, it still works, sorta. Maybe we should just put it up high so she'll forget about it." Me: "Or, we could be parents, and say, 'No, sweet pea, that's not a toy." Husband: "Yeeeeaahhh, that's not gonna happen." Me: "Wishful thinking."

Husband, after baby pitched, and broke, mama's iPhone: "See, this is why we should not have expensive things. By the way, did you see that arm? Eh? Eh?" Me: "Yeah... or... we could be parents and tell our children no from time to time." Are you noticing a theme here? But no. That would just be silly, Mama :)

Baby Colby was sitting on Daddy's lap at the table, vigorously pushing a bowl of milk around with a fork. The object of the game appeared to be sloshing the entire contents of the bowl onto the table top. After my pointed stares failed to elicit the desired reaction, I said, "That's probably not the best idea?" so he took away the milk and gave her the Heath Ceramics salt shaker. Me: "That's probably not the best toy either." Him: "Why not?" Me: "Because those are $45 salt and pepper shakers. And they're breakable. And I don't want those dirty little paws touching where my salt comes out." Him: "Oh my God. Why do we have $45 salt and pepper shakers?" Me: "Good question."

Husband puts baby down on glass-topped coffee table, between two glasses of wine and a large potted cactus. Me: "Uh, that's probably not the best place for her to hang out." Him: "Why not?"

Jack (2.5 years old) is the one who has to remind Daddy (37 years old) of his table manners. And for this, I am actually thankful, because when I asked if he could please try to NOT talk with his mouth full now that we have two little mimics in tow, his response was, "Nope." Me: Disbelieving stare. Him: "Look, I'm not trying to be defiant or anything. I've just got 37 years of bad habits in place and that's probably not changing any time soon." Me: Resigned sigh. Oh well! Maybe mini Mr. Manners will have better luck than I :)

Out at a restaurant. Colby, sitting on DM's lap, puts her feet on the table. I say "No feet on the table, please." So DM takes off her shoes, and Colby proceeds to put her bare feet on the table. Me: "Um, no feet on the table. It doesn't make it any better just because you took her shoes off." DM: "It makes it a little better." NO IT DOES NOT omg.

In our house, the saying goes, "Don't make me call your mother." (But they don't really worry because they know he never will! :))

When DM makes his "mean/serious" face, the children laugh hysterically.

Shoot. DM read my first post and said it was good, but, "Make the next one shorter." Fail. Words! Too many words!

courtesy of google images/
http://www.lolgallery.com/police-women-in-action/1830-police-woman-in-action/
"Funny Pictures Gallery along all funny Girls stuff!"
Sounds intriguing, no?
 


A Mother Life
Hump Day Hookup #27 on AMotherLife.com

2 comments:

  1. As another bad cop, I so hear you! This was SO funny! The worst is when I go do something on a school night and assume I'll come home to the kids in bed, like they would be if it were me watching them, because it's a frickin' school night and they're supposed to be in bed. Instead I come home to all three (hubs & 2 boys) of them in the family room, eating popcorn and watching Point Break. WTF? Yeah. Like Point Break was the kids idea. lol

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    1. HA! You too?!? Mine will take the kid grocery shopping and come home and be like, "He made me buy skittles." lol. I do love me some Point Break though :)

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