Friday, June 14, 2013

sh*t my kids say

my kid is soooooo funny. he's like, if jon stewart and wanda sykes had a baby, except, white, and, not jewish. and maybe taller. anyway, i feel like he definitely has the makings of a career as a famous comedic actor, or would, if it wouldn't interfere with his career as a professional baseball player. i don't know though. he's suuuuuper gifted. i actually bet he could pull off both.

i'm just kidding. i just wanted to see what it would feel like to be one of those parents who says shit like that. i mean, he can be quite amusing, (i think that comes with the toddler territory), but he's also sort of strange and overly dramatic and a bit awkward and uncomfortable... sort of like cirque du soleil (also, his parents ;)).

my other kid is funny too. hilarious, actually, lately. but her vehement non-words don't really translate - ya kinda gotta be there. however, i'm pretty sure that, in addition to "up", "uh-oh", "flip-flop", "mama", "dada", "tissue", "choo-choo" and "grape", she says "Kyrgyzstan". perhaps she's formulating a winning plan for peace in the middle east. (it's those supercalifragilisticexpialidocious genes again! ps, spell check offered me the correct spelling of this word. color me impressed!)

i do understand that the following is probably less funny to those who did not make this little person with their private parts, but you might get a little chuckle out of it anyway.


Jackson Jay walked into our room one early morning and announced, "Jaguars eat chicken nuggets." And tigers love cinnamon! Alright!

"Don't call me Joe. [No one called him Joe.] I'm a giant robot monster bird." Naturally!

Watching his sister messily feed herself yogurt: "Colby! [Sounds like Kobe] You look like a hungry clown on a trampoline!"

While "watering the plants" a.k.a. haphazardly spraying the backyard with a hose [sorry Earth, or "Erf" as J calls it]- "Uh-oh, I better be carefoe not to 'pray dat airplane [flying 30,000 feet above me]!"

"I'm gonna tell a ghost 'tory [complete with a flashlight under his chin]. Once upon a time, dere was a ghost named Ghost. Dee End!" Good story, bro ;)

JJ thinks a joke/stunt/magic trick is still hilarious, even the 333rd time he tells/performs it. If I do not react with the requisite verve, he says, "No, Mama. Maybe you don't under'tand." When I stop [fake] laughing altogether, he gets sad and pouty, and when I ask what's wrong he says, "I'm disappointed becauuuuuuuuse, you not laughing at my jokes." I don't know if this is genetic or learned behavior. Either way, it comes from his father :)

"Colby, if you eat your vegetables you could grow into a big kid like me but right now you just a teeny tiny littow baby." [It bears noting that his sister is actually a bit of a behemoth and wears the same size pants as him... also that JJ has to be bribed to eat almost anything green (that trait would be from me - both traits actually- big bones and an aversion to leafy greens.)]

Me: Please don't put your finger in your nose. It's gross.
JJ: The inside of my nose is 'tinky. I'm trying to get da smell out!
Well then, by all means, carry on!

JJ: I'm in a foe-ethhht.
Me: You're in a foRe-eSt.
JJ: FORE-etht.
Me: Fore-ESSST.
JJ: I'm on a farm.

"Deese [bracelets] are very 'tylish. I'm goin' on a fancy date!"

"Fee Fi Foe Fum, I smell an English Muffin!"

Jack: MAAAAAMAAAAA, Sister called me BASHRAY!
Me: Is that bad?
JJ: YEs!
Me: Colby Jean! Do not call your brother bashray! [?]

JJ: "Three M&Ms! [For peeing.]"
Me: "Sorry bud, we're all out of M&Ms"
JJ: "Weeeew, you bettow have jelly beans, den!"
[or else?]

JJ: Why that truck has [s]team coming out of it?
Me: Well, because the exhaust is hot and the air is cold and that makes steam. [?]
JJ: Daddy already told me dat.
Me: Well then why did you ask me?
JJ: I wanted to check your answer.

After CJ splashed JJ in the bath, he said, "Colby, if you 'plash water in my eye again I'll give you a reason!" ?!?!

"Dis blanket jus' for decoration." Yes! Thank you child! This is a concept your father still fails to grasp!

"Colby, I'll protect you, cuz it's just a pretend monster." (Real monster and you're on your own :))

"I LIKE music! Dancing is FUN! Check out my MOVES!"

I was trying to kiss Jack to death and he said, "NO! You go over there [to the kitchen] and cook!" Oh goodie! Not even 3 years old and already reinforcing gender stereotypes! Well, except for his pink blankie and his powder blue toenails ;)

"Tinkle Tinkle Littow Tar"

JJ comes to give me a hug while I'm already in bed. "Mama, why you no wearing pants?" Me: Because I don't like to wear pants to bed. JJ: Only I wear pants to bed because my knees get cold!" That's as good a reason as any!

Anatomy Lessons

JJ [sounding alarmed]: Where's Colby's wiener?!?
Me: She doesn't have one because she's a girl.
JJ: [Pause, thinking.] She just has butts.
Me: Sure. We'll just go with that for now :)

When I'm getting dressed in the morning and I put on my bra, Jack says, "Mama, are you putting yo' bewbs on?" He's not entirely incorrect. DM refers to them as "false advertising" (caveat emptor, for my lawyer friends ;))

JJ solving the mystery of why he is unable to wipe his own ass:
"I think because my butt is crooked." Makes sense to me!

And the most recent horror of horrors - little boy boners. O.M.G. When waking up from a nap: "Mama, my wiener is [s]tuck!!!" Me: "Ummmmmm... Daddy??? Could you come in here please?????? Like, right now, please?"

Learning the Value of a Dollar

JJ sees a boat on TV.
Me: Well how are you going to get it? Are you going to make some money?
JJ: Daddy gonna go to work and make some money.
Me: Really? What's he going to do with the money?
JJ: Give it to me.
Me: What are you going to do with it?
JJ: Buy a BOAT!

JJ hands DM a hot wheels car.
JJ: I got dis new car for you, Daddy.
DM: Cool, how'd you buy me a car?
JJ: With money.
DM: Where'd you get money from?
JJ: From a machine. [Obviously.]

JJ threw "his" iPod on the floor.
Me: Be careful or you'll break it and then you won't have an iPod anymore.
JJ: "Den I'll jus go buy a new one at da 'tore." [Like, duh.]

Unintentional Hilarity (if you have the sense of humor of a teenage boy)

When JJ was younger he called birdies "boodies", and his dad thought it was hilarious to ask him, "Is it a big birdie or a little birdie?" JJ would reply, "It's a BIG boodie!" Or "look at dat big boodie over dere!"

Nowadays, one of Colby's favorite games is to shove her brother off of the chair, couch, or bench on which he's perched. Sometimes Jack plays along. Other times he becomes enraged. Yesterday he started running around the living room like a mad man, yelling "COLBY 'TOLE MY POT! SHE 'TOLE MY 'POT, MAMA! GIMME MY 'POT BACK!" "Colby Jean. Kindly give your brother his 'pot back." Hope the NSA hasn't bugged our house!

Jack used to call his soccer ball "cock'n ball", and still calls his hockey stick a "hockey dick". He also loves to ride his  "cooter" "willy willy" fast...

Jack mixing some stuff in a wooden pot.
Me: Whatcha makin?
JJ: Blue ball soup.
YUM! I'd be willing to wait for that! ;)

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