Friday, August 16, 2013

Wanted: Mom Friends Who Don't Suck

two years ago, our best couple-friends-with-kids moved away. TO FRESNO. wtf. :) this was one of those rare situations where all parties actually wanted to be friends (as opposed to the husbands or wives of the actual friends being foisted upon on one-another like grumpy toddlers at a play date). even the toddlers loved each other! anyway, they abandoned us and we've never quite forgiven them :) however, Big J had his preschool orientation this morning. he was pretty lukewarm on the whole thing but i was stoked because i found out that the woman i sat next to for three hours at the INSANE 4am preschool open registration day, who was super great, is the mom of a boy in J's class. and she remembered my name! yay! i mean, i'm not saying we're going to be BFFs or anything (although, FYI, i am already planning family bbq's... does september work for you? and i am just guessing by the way your kid is dressed that your husband (and you?) surf so we're already on the right track.) I AM KIDDING! but! i just feel like this might be a great opportunity to meet new people that live nearby and have children and aren't terrible to be around. and i am excited about that! let's hope this woman is not one of the 4 readers of this blog that i do not personally know otherwise she is probably going to be like, okay psycho stalker, i have notified the local law enforcement, please keep your distance. but anyway. all of this reminded me of the "wanted" ad i wrote 2 years ago. it basically still applies except now i have two wacky little pork chops running around which means any new friends must be able to withstand double the crazy.


(yes, i am aware that suckage is a subjective concept. my personal parameters are described in greater detail, below.)

looking for a new friend and neighbor in My Town, California. must be a mom, or a rare breed of woman who does not have her own children, but can hang out for an extended period of time with someone whose life is ruled by (two!) diminutive dictators, and not want to pluck out her own eyes. does any of this describe you?

* you like to drink. particularly during the day. (but hardly ever get to anymore because then all you want is a nap and MAMAS DON'T GET NAPS which is basically one of the greatest injustices in the universe.)
* you don’t cry when the kids get shots or have birthdays. (kindergarten graduation- maybe :))
* you may or may not use impending shots, birthdays, and santa claus as bargaining tools.
* you swore on your first-born child you would never EVER be “one of those people” who talks about baby poop. then, upon the arrival of said child, you engaged in detailed discussions of all bodily emissions, complete with photographic evidence.
* you swore you would never ever do a whole lotta things, and then, you did. [speaking of, have you read this from on am i a blogomercial right now or what? anyway. hilarious. and there's more. here, and here, and here. i'm lol'ing.]
* you do in fact like to discuss issues other than children (and poop)… from time to time :)
* but, you understand that, at least when the kids are around (which is quite often), "conversation" is very loosely defined, and usually does not include many coherent thoughts or complete sentences.
* you spent at least a small (or large!) portion of the first six months of your child’s life wondering what in the hell you’d gotten yourself into. then you figured out it gets better. and then worse. and then better. and so on and so forth.
* you won't judge me for my epidurals, my stash of FD&C-enhanced gold fish and fruit snacks, or the state of my laundry hamper.
* you’re not a breast-is-best nazi (more power to you if it works for you. but guess what? turns out these babies are just for show! don't worry about those 8 IQ points, my kids have got 'em to spare ;))
* on that note, you would never seriously refer to your child as “gifted” (at least, not in public :))
* you think a 2-year-old birthday party sounds like some special version of hell. (now that i'm a toddler birthday "survivor," i will say, it's not actually as bad as i thought. okay i'm lying it's still pretty terrible. but maybe it's like, in the upper echelons of hell. not the ninth rung or anything. as long as there's beer. and cupcakes.** but if you are my friend and you do not have children of your own, please know, i am inviting you because i don't want you to feel left out, but you do not need to provide any sort of excuse along with your regrets to the party. just a simple "are you insane?" will do :) ps the answer is yes.)
* you would rather shave off an eyebrow than drive a minivan or a double-wide stroller*** (but understand that you may very well eat your words one day. okay, no. no, no, no. just not the minivan. please, god, no.)
* you don’t suck.
* you jump at the opportunity for a baby-free date night.
* you like going to work (well, sometimes :))
* you like beach days, picnics, hikes, and you’re not too old for sleepovers.
* you will tell me if i have snot of unknown origin on my shirt, "(not really) washable (at all)" marker on my cheek, or a calcified gummy bear stuck to my ass.
* you live within stroller distance of my house.
* you rely heavily on the five- (or ten-… or thirty-) second rule.
* you allow the occasional – gasp – inorganic, non-locally-grown and/or FD&C-red-#4-colored food-item to touch your child’s lips. you know... goldfish, dog kibble, what-have-you (just kidding, we would never feed our dog that sh!t ;))
* you enjoy a good burrito and do not treat gluten as the newest domestic terrorist threat.
* and don’t forget the parts about day drinking and not sucking! :)

** unless we are celebrating at the new cupcake-nazi preschool in which case there will be neither beer nor cupcakes, just "special sugar-free treats" which is an oxymoron in my book. still bitter about this. can you tell? my cousin just told me that she toured a preschool that suggested they bring "birthday napkins" in lieu of sweet treats. ha! ps the way my kid goes through napkins, cupcakes would definitely be cheaper.
*** remind me to tell you the story about "the worst stroller EVER."

bonus points if:

* you have a minor anxiety attack when a group of “stroller stride” mommies passes you by in the park, and you’d rather get a root canal than go to “gymboree” class, but you really can’t judge, because people who willingly attended “mommy and me” swim class shouldn’t throw stones.
* your partner believes your infant/toddler is showing signs of a promising career in professional sports.
* you have a rad husband/boyfriend/lesbian lover who will want to go see really terrible sci-fi/shoot-em-up movies and go paint balling with my husband so that i don’t have to.
* your fashion sense tends more towards target and tj maxx than nordstrom’s and neiman’s.
* you love cheese, bread, tequila, and champagne, and believe mayonnaise and ranch constitute their own food group.
* you got an epidural, and have no regrets! (Or you didn't, and you had your baby on your living room floor like someone I know from college. In which case, you are probably too bad ass to be my friend ;))

accepting applications now!

by the way. i was at the store yesterday and saw a mother we'd seen at the open house and i smiled hello. she had her kids with her. i didn't. one asked, "who's that mom?" (it definitely was not, "who's that, Mom?") they knew. just by looking at me. i've been branded for life. AND IT MADE ME SMILE. top off my koolaid, y'all ;) 

except for the moral fibre, principles, patient and sedate parts
** Like this post? Then you'll love my essay in I Still Just Want to Pee Alone. **
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  1. I really like your stuff. I'm sorry -- I'm too braindead at the moment to be interesting. But anyway, woot. Go you!

    1. thanks Kate! i live in an eternal state of brain dead so i totally get it :)

  2. I am only sorry that I live in Texas and cannot apply for this job, because I think we'd be amazeball friends and our husbands would totally tolerate us while rolling their eyes behind our backs. I'm a bit bossy, but I'm also terribly lazy, so not only does the 30 second rule apply in our house, I don't even officially know what gluten is, much less how to avoid it in our diets. And by diet I mean, whatever we are not too lazy to fix the kids to eat because we totally suck at maintaining any kind of structure in our home.
    Hump Day Hooker, honey!

    1. You said "Hump Day Hooker, honey" so in my book we are already friends :) Would my boobs get bigger if I lived in Texas???

  3. Ahhhh I agree with most of what you said BUT... GASP Gymboree is so much fun. No really, it is.....

    1. Okay I am totally Sam I Am-ing it, I've never even tried it! Maybe I should! I'm just antisocial so it's totally not in my comfort zone but sometimes you gotta suck it up ;)

  4. My husband and I totally take mental notes on other families at soccer and such seeing if there are any we'd like to "audition" to be our friends. We had some great ones, but we've (sadly) kinda broken up lately. We're in the market, but pickin's are slim around here...

    1. We do the same thing, haha ;) PS you are my first actual honest to goodness "follower" so THANK YOU! :)