Wednesday, September 4, 2013

can you die of retroactive mortification???

I hung out with my brother this weekend, who is 22, and one of his friends, who is 21. My brother, in a sometimes refreshing/sometimes infuriating sort of way, doesn't even pretend to have his sh*t figured out (love you, bruddah!). But his girlfriend (friend-girl), a beautiful brilliant wisp of a woman, has some pretty staunch opinions about life and love. She reminds me an awful lot of myself at that age. Though perhaps not beautiful, brilliant, or wispy, I held plenty of fervent opinions about many, many things when I was young. And by young I mean, until I had my first child at the age of 30, at which time my (apparently overblown) sense of self confidence suffered a fate worse than my tattered vagina. (Sorry for that visual).

I'm not saying brother's dear friend is wrong in her opinions/thoughts/predictions about herself. She has had a much different and way gnarlier life experience than I have. She may well have nailed her permanent point of view on the head at the tender age of 21 (though you all know I am a born-again 'Never Say Never-er'). Nor am I saying she's a card carrying member of the Douche Bonnet Guild, as apparently I am, or used to be. But. Talking to her and my bro' reminded me of how sure I once was about so many things, which in turn reminded me of this REE-diculous "letter to myself" that I wrote my junior year of high school for my Professional Drama class. (In retrospect, the name of the class is apropos.) My then-teacher just recently contacted me and forwarded the offending piece of swill. I spent the next 15 minutes cringing, laughing maniacally, and wishing I could teleport myself back to 1997 to punch myself in the face - though after reading the letter it is a mystery to me how I survived my teen years without someone doing me the favor.

Let's hope, for my sake, there is a Bell Curve of dickery and it peaks at the age of 16.

I cannot include the actual letter because it is too terrible, contains too many personal references, and I could never forgive myself. But. Here are a few gems:

Okay, first of all, I start the letter "Al principio."

I use the phrase "'nuff said" no less than three times.

Some thoughts on our "Professional Drama" course -

"My partner was basically useless, so alone I pulled everything together." Kind of like my marriage. Just kidding. The hubs said this after he read my letter, not me :)

"The shows were smashing." What is this, Broadway?

"Being a director is a tough job, especially when the actors and actresses think that you don't have the authority to tell them what to do." I'm actually still having this problem.

Quoting the substitute teacher "When I was watching you I was thinking, man, before she was born someone said 'This kid's gonna be a director - or a football coach.'" In other words, I was born bossy, so it's not really my fault?

"I don't think people realize how big a part the director has to do with the production." What I'm trying to say is, IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. *REE REE REE* < That's the sound of me stabbing my 16 year old self in the eye.

"Everyone doubted that we could pull this off without the constant aid of a teacher - and of course you helped a lot - but honestly - no offense - I think we could have done it without you." But they definitely could not have done it without me, obviously!

"I have done a lot of work this year, just as much or more than anyone else, but I didn't live up to the expectations that I had for myself and this class at the beginning of the year. So how about you grade on a curve and give me an A anyway." Yes, please, give me an A, for Asshole.

Some thoughts on life -

"You have to develop the skill of tolerating people that bug the hell out of you." True statement, actually. Though apparently it could have applied to others tolerating me.

"I was so naive [coming from junior high, as opposed to now, being a high and mighty 16 year old]. I had come from a little private school in a class of 24. I didn't know anyone, sex and drugs were a mortal sin.... everything is so different now. If I still held true to my 'I'm not going to be friends with anyone who drinks or smokes out' then I would have no friends, so although I do not agree with their practices, I have learned to overlook and accept (within reason.) I still do not accept such actions in a person I am having a relationship with, because I really do not understand why people do it, and if they are not on the same page as me, then I'm not interested in anything long-term anyway." Good thing I changed my tune or I still wouldn't have any friends. I couldn't even be friends with myself. (Not that I would want to!)

"I have learned that I am much more socially and intellectually mature than most of my peers... most of my friendships [at school] are more or less superficial... The playing field here is somewhat limited, so if I want stimulation, I have to reach outside the bounds of my school. There are just not too many people like me here, and I am raring to get out of here so I can find more kindred spirits." Kindred spirits being other complete ASSHATS?!?

"I have recently discovered that most adults are no more mature than I am, and they aren't always right." Now that I am an "adult" I know this to be true. But still. SOMEBODY SMACK ME IN MY SMART MOUTH!

"Never be totally dependent. Make sure you can always stand on your own. I have discovered that I do not need anyone to survive. If my parents kicked me out, I could get by." HA! Says the girl whose parents were about to foot the bill for her 4.75 year university degree.

"I know I'll do well in college." Note to self. Teach children modesty. Even if its false, it's better than sounding like a punkass.

"I'll probably be paying off debts for a long time before I ever get rich and world renowned, but hey, I want to have to work to get to the top." Stilllllll workin'...

"'Losers quit when they're tired, winners quit when they've won." Okay, Ali! Pfffftt. What if you're really, really, really tired though???

Oh, and speaking of mortifying ridiculousness. I also recently found a picture of me when I was about 12 years old. I wrote a note on the back... to... myself?? Just in case I forgot what a jackabee I was? OMG. Seriously. Kill me. PPS no clue who "Denny" is. Judging by the name, he did not actually qualify as a "potato" a.k.a. "fine guy." Quite possibly he was a complete figment of my imagination.

[copyright 1999 paramount pictures]

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