Friday, September 20, 2013

sh*t my husband says

In "real life" -

"You're funny, for a girl."
Oh yeah? Well.... your brain has the shell on it!

After returning from a trip to the market with a 2-year-old Jack: "He made me buy Skittles."

Me (as I'm baking cookies): "I hope our kids like my cooking."
DM: "Yeah, I was just thinking about that. I have a feeling we're going to hear 'I'm eating over at Millie's house' a lot."
Ouch! And a corollary -
ME: "Jack, how's that chicken mama made? Good or bad?"
J: "Bad."
Alrighty then. lol. Millie's house it is!

"Nice ascot."
Yes. An ascot. Otherwise known, in some circles, as a scarf.

While we are out on 'Date Night' - "Are those jeans, or sweatpants?"
Um... Jeans... That are apparently going to Goodwill tomorrow?
"I love being married to you. I know we'll always have Ziploc bags around."
Awww. Thanks, baby. So romantic.

"You touched my pepperoni. That's true love."
FYI, that's not innuendo. I actually touched pepperoni. I'll take his pepperoni over his raw chicken any day! ;)

"[Our mutual friend] really likes you. This weekend he said, 'Can we just talk about the fact that you're married to pretty much the coolest chick ever?' And I was like, 'Wait, who am I married to?'"
Lol, wtf, man?! In his defense, only people that do not know me very well would think that about me :)

Brother-in-law: "Do you have a soldering gun?"
DM: "No. I have a hot glue gun for crafting? Does that help?"
Editor's note: We actually used the hot glue gun to fix the electronics after the soldering iron failed!

"Oh sh*t. It's my mom's birthday tomorrow? Did we get her a card?"
Yes, "we" did.

Went out to bars with friends. Went to their house afterwards. JW commences baking a cake. DM: "I hereby dub you Drunken Contessa."

DM took the day off to watch a sick newbie Colby-baby. I texted to see how it was going and I received this reply: "Watching infomercial called 'Brazilian Butts.' All is well."

I had some weird itchy rash on my legs and DM was like, "Maybe all your cellulite is melting off"...
Ummmm.... mayyybe.... ?

Me, putting on makeup wearing just "jorts" (my shirt was in the dryer). DM: "You're like a Guess mom jeans commercial."
Oh yeah? Well you're like the "Before" guy in a Rogaine commercial. Just kidding! You're barely even that bald, and anyway, I still love you, even though I know what's in store <3

While I am pregnant -

Me: "How does this dress look?"
DM: "Like a mumu."
Soooo... I should not wear this one to the baby shower???

DM: "You don't even look pregnant in that dress. People will probably just think you're a little overweight."

Me, dressed in black gaucho pants and a black top. DM: "You look like a pregnant ninja."
Not an inaccurate assessment. But still.

Me, dressed in brown yoga pants and a brown fleece, "I know I'm sort of monochromatic right now." DM: "I wasn't going to say anything, but you look like a giant tootsie roll."

DM: "Whoa, you're like wider than you are tall right now."
Me: *incredulous stare*
DM: "Not fat. Just, you know, really... thick."
ME: "Please stop talking."
DM: "Yeah okay, good call."

While I am recovering from being pregnant -

For some reason I brought my "skinny" maternity jeans - as in - maternity jeans that hadn't fit me in 3 months, in my hospital bag. As I'm struggling to get dressed to leave the hospital after giving birth to his daughter, DM says, "You probably should have brought some more forgiving clothes - it doesn't look like those are gonna work out for ya."
Thanks for the input, Captain Obvious!

"You look good, for someone who just had a baby." ... Um... thanks?

"At least you're thinner than when you were pregnant." Is that a compliment?

Sh*t Other People's Husbands Say -

JW, to TW, his beautifully pregnant wife: "It's amazing that your legs still look so good when you are generally enormous otherwise."

JW, after TW had stopped nursing their first child: "Awwww, sad, your boobs look like helium balloons three days after a birthday party."

GD, to his (reluctantly) pregnant wife upon her return from a business trip: "Wow, honey, you're getting huge! I love it!"

DP bought a maternity suit skirt. She tried it on at home and asked her husband if it looked decent enough for work. He responded, "I mean, it's fine, but I wouldn't pose for a picture in it or anything."

Oh, and she's not my husband, but sometimes I wish she was - our erstwhile nanny. When I was pregnant with Colby and found out she was a girl, I came home and told the nanny and she said, "I knew it! I always say you can tell someone's having a girl when their face gets kinda puffy and they look pregnant from behind.... Oh... I don't mean it like that... You look great."... Riggggght... hahaha :)

Okay. One of my cousins has some good material. I was going to try to come up with cheese names for all of them. She suggested Limburger for her husband, Muenster for her son, and Brie for her daughter. I was trying to think of a name for her but I'm kind of at a loss. Maybe Pepper? By the way, do you know there's a cheese called Cougar Gold? That's gonna come in handy at some point.

Anyway. Some of Limburger's gems - "No, it's not that [I don't want to hold your hand after you just delivered my first-born son], but you have some blood, or slime, or something foreign on your wrist." This coming from someone who guts deer and finds pleasure in raw meat! Apparently he would not touch her until she had washed the placenta or other unidentified schmeg from her hands! Ha!

When Muenster was born, Pepper had mild pre-eclampsia so she had to be induced. As she was being hooked up to the Pitocin, Limburger consulted the Google Medical School archives, proceeded to read aloud all the potential side effects, and then pronounced, "Ooooh, this is gonna hurt!" Then, after she requested an epidural and the anesthetist arrived, he said "Ooooh, that needle is at least 8 inches long!" Sounds like he needs to work on his bedside manner!

With Brie, Pepper's water broke at 2am and her contractions were intense immediately. They lived about 15 minutes from the hospital. She woke 'Burger, writhing in pain, and hobbled down the stairs, thinking he was basically right behind her. She waited, and waited. After about 5 minutes she crawled back to the apartment to discover him wrapped in a towel and shaving. She asked "What on earth are you doing?! Hello! I am having a baby. Like, NOW. There is presently a head coming out of my woman parts!" His eyes widened and he said, "Like, now now?! I was just shaving. I wanted to be fresh when she met me. I should probably finish. Can you wait that long?" Pepper had Brie 15 minutes later (they made it to the hospital, but barely) and she did NOT get the epidural. She screamed at him and told him to grow a beard :))

A funny story from another friend - Whenever anyone tells MH and her husband that their toddler is "advanced," her hubby replies, "She still sh*ts her pants. She ain't that smart!" Ha!

he has definitely said this.


  1. So funny. Love to mother in law bday card since I JUST had this conversation with my husband. Visiting from Finding the Funny. Hope you can stop by sometime:

  2. Ha! Glad to know I'm not the only one :)