Monday, December 9, 2013

sh*t my kids say, part II

j: is da moon in outer 'pace?
me: yes.
j: is da Erf in outer 'pace?
me: um, i think the term "outer space" is relative to earth, so, no. but we should double check with daddy.
j: okay, wehw, send a text message to my wocket when you find out.

j: hey mom! why is da moon following us?
[look out the car window. holy crap. the moon is totally following us. how have i never noticed this before?]
me: um, that is an excellent question, dude. i will have to consult your father and/or the google and get back to you. [if you're curious, here's what we found out. try explaining this to a 3 year old.]

j: mom, is you putting on makeup cuz you does not has beeyootifoe eyewashes wike me?
me: basically, yeah! :)

j has taken to referring to colby by the names of various food products: "hey, sandwich bread!" "hey, lima bean!" "hey, marshmallow head!" "hey chicken finger!" could be worse, i guess!

C, when i pull into a parking spot: CRAAAAASH! (what does this say about my parking/driving abilities?!)

C has a tendency to pronounce "truck" with more of a "ph" sound. which is fine driving along in the car, not so great when we are in a public place. "phuuuuuck!" "BIG PHUCK" "what dat phuck?" "where da phuck go?" and most recently, "yook! dum phuck!" [dump truck... actually it was a cement mixer but who's counting ;)]

she has some other choice phrases, too, like "shit" [sit], "douche" [juice], and "crap" [clap]. she's ready for her debut :)

j: i made you a beeyootifoe neckwace. i made it extwa wong to fit yo' big head.

j: can i pwess da button [on the blender]?
me: not yet.
j: why not? because if i do i wiw make a smoovie outta yo arwm?
me: um, i was going to say because the lid is off... but... yeah... also that.

me, singing the chorus to Little Bunny Foo Foo.
j: mom? are dose da only woids you know? who would know da rest? you should call dem.

me: what's your favorite part of the day at school?
j: pwaying outside, and finding woly polys and wady bugs in da pwants.
me: what do you do with the roly polys and ladybugs when you find them?
j: we hide dem in our pockets so da teachers don't see dem.
sooo.... how many poor roly polys and ladybugs have suffered a watery death in our washing machine?? :( guess i need to start checking pockets more carefully!

me: let me grab the utensils.
j: is utensils 'Panish for forks and spoons?

j: co-by, da faster you eat yo dinner da faster you get howloween candy.
clearly we need to revisit the issue of healthy eating habits around here.

j: i'm full, but not too full for a miwkshake.
me: i completely understand.

both kids like to sing and dance and make up silly songs. the other night j's chorus was "macarena tickle dick, macareeeeeena tiiiiickle DIIIIICK!" i tried to keep a straight face and i was like, "where did you hear that one?" he said, "co-by." alrighty then. just gonna leave that one be and hope he forgets about it.

j just RIPS one in the other room.
me: what on earth was that?
j: wehw, it wasn't me tooting. i dunno. maaaaaaybe it was da house cweaking.
me: sure, bud!
a few minutes later he does it again and before i can say anything he says, "whoa, house!"

me: j, not now, please. i'm not in the mood for your shenanigans.
j: weeeeehhhw, SOMEone has to be in da mood for me!!!

me: OMIGOD you guys are KILLING me right now!
j: i'm not killing you. Co-by is!

j: you is setting a dangewous pwesent, co-by. [she was climbing the back of the chair].
me: i think you mean dangerous precedent.
j: NOPE!
you know that saying, "you can't argue with logic"? you know what else you can't argue with? three year olds.

j: fwee-year-owds don't like s'mores.
me: three year olds are missin' out!

me: you need to chill out. you are being really dramatic.
j: I AM NOT TRAUMATIC!
that's up for debate.

j: mom. wudolph the wed-nose waindeer is colored.
me: ummm, what was that?
j: he's colored. because he's bwown.
me: WHAT?
j: i colored him bwown? see?!
phew! omg. thought i was going to have to tell the cautionary tale of richie incognito for a minute there.

listening to "santa claus is comin' to town"
j: mom? do we live in "town?"
me: ha, yes, we do.
j: phew.

more holiday music...
j: is this a Hanukkah song?
dm: yes. did you learn about Hanukkah at school?
j: yes. some of my friends celebwate Hanukkah.
dm: cool. do you celebrate Hanukkah?
j: no. i celebwate Wudolph.

j: i think we should leave santa a pwesent.
me: santa likes cookies and milk. let's make him some.
j: i think santa wants cookies and Five Guys.
me: ha! you may be right ;)
she doesn't talk but she still cracks my sh*t up

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