Thursday, January 23, 2014

escape from alcatraz

i feel like motherhood is a slightly more pleasant version of being a refugee or prisoner of war - stockholm syndrome and all. except i have to make the bread and water myself. and cut the freakin' crusts off.

on a day-to-day basis, i'm one barefoot-Lego-encounter away from throwing my kids in the river for fish food. [*editor's note: this is an old family colloquialism, generally muttered with varying degrees of affection, and, to my knowledge, no child has ever actually been thrown into any large body of water for the purpose of consumption by fish or any other amphibious creature.]

but then, when i momentarily escape my captors and delve into that magical netherworld of lounging, day-drinking, naps, sex in the daylight hours, and silence ... my heart kind of aches.

pathetic. i know. I HAVE BECOME THAT WHICH I MOST LOATHED!!!!

sigh.

don't get me wrong. DM and i still thoroughly enjoyed our 24 hour "staycation" this past weekend. but honestly, about 12 hours in (coincidentally - about the time the tequila wore off), i couldn't sleep and felt slightly nauseous from missing those buggers so bad. or at least, i really, really missed the idea of them :) not enough to leave our beachfront balcony, mind you. but still. it's weird. DM and i take turns ditching family life for a day or so here and there. but this is the first time we've been away overnight, together, since june. something about being away from them at the same time for more than just dinner and a movie brings the kid-shaped space in our hearts into stark relief. even though my sister was taking care of them and i knew they were happy as clams! man. the truth is out. i love those snot-faucets so much it makes my teeth hurt. phew. it feels really good to get that off my chest ;)

we still managed to have a good time though. we drank margaritas and ate nachos and watched football and soaked in the sunset and took a nap and brought takeout pizza back to the hotel and drank whiskey and played scrabble and watched a movie on TNT. in other words, we still know how to party. if the niners hadn't rooked the championship game, it would have been my exact definition of a perfect date. (melted cheese, booze, and scrabble? you can't lose! no. seriously. i never lose ;))

i even managed to spice things up between the sheets by taking the pillow that i would normally have reserved for use as a glorious goose down barricade, and placing it on the far side of the bed so that DM could actually be in my general geographic vicinity, instead of futilely pawing a pile of feathers (or, as is usually the case, a lumpy sack of hypoallergenic organic hemp fiber fill). yep. INSTANT ROMANCE. we still got it, ladies and gents!

i would be remiss if i did not mention one of the most memorable moments of our "peshal date," as the kids would call it. we were sharing a meal and the sun was shining and DM was gazing at me and said, "wow, your eyes are a really pretty green right now." he kept staring at my face. then he started chuckling. i asked what was so funny. he replied, "okay. i'll tell you. but just know, it has nothing to do with you. it is a total coincidence that i was looking at your face when the thought popped into my head." me: "tell me." DM: "welllll.... i was watching this sarah silverman bit... and she did a really funny joke... about how she didn't realize she had a mustache because she thought it was invisible because it was blonde." [silence.] "but you don't have a mustache." [more silence.] "not even a blonde one!" sigh. do you think siri can schedule a waxing appointment for me?

really though. look at this view. who could complain. added bonus: mustache becomes much less visible once the sun goes down.

and the morning after:
there is champagne in that OJ, and there are
TATER TOTS and SRIRACHA SOUR CREAM in those burritos.
ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT'S ME, MACKENZIE.
have i died and gone to heaven???

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