Wednesday, January 8, 2014

i carried a watermelon?

...continued, sort of, from my last post, "what time is the midnight buffet?" about my first time on a cruise...

one more thing that struck me about the cruise experience was the not-so-latent pubescent sexuality that abounds on a cruise ship. it seemed wherever i was, i could hear awkward introductions and adolescent machinations happening around me. it was like the pick up scene at a bar except with people who cannot legally drink alcohol. the setting: combination floating amusement park and denny's.

i was reminded of this time in high school when my best friend came with me and my family to maui. we met a couple of older guys - hot surfer brothers. i think they were maybe 18 and 19 or something. i can't remember if we were 14 and said we were 16, or 16 and said we were 18, or what, but anyway, we pretended to be older than we were. we forcefully inserted our sober, Mathlete, goody-two-shoes selves into the burgeoning "stuck on a family vacation in a mega maui condo complex" teen hookup scene. unfortunately for the two unsuspecting saps we snagged, to us, "hook up" meant have long meaningful talks and possibly, if you're lucky, first base.

if i remember correctly, my BFF was actually seeing someone at the time, so she more or less just observed the tomfoolery from the sidelines. but i was in a neck-and-neck competition for the hottest guy. my opponent was a pretty, insanely skinny, yet ridiculously busty blonde who, i believe, was actually 16. or 18. or whatever she said she was. we soon discovered that the reason she was so thin was that she was a meth addict. this was basically like telling my girlfriend and me that she was a zombie unicorn, for all the knowledge and understanding we had of drugs at this time (what am i talking about? the only reason i know anything about it 20 years later is from watching breaking bad). anyway, while "Crystal" and the rest of the "crew" were busy sneaking booze and extolling the virtues of Maui Wowie, my BFF and i were regurgitating portions of the D.A.R.E. presentations we remembered from fifth grade.

still, somehow, i managed to eke out a win over my adversary, and i got the guy. or, rented him for the night, anyway. he took me out for a moonlit walk along the beach, and then he wanted to lie down on the sand and "look at the stars." you can imagine where that headed. i didn't have a ton of experience at this juncture in my life so i think i tried to approximate some sexy moves i had seen on, like, 90210. after a minute or two the guy was like, "what are you doing?" i said, "um, i don't know?" and he responded, "well, can you stop? it's super weird." needless to say our romantic rendezvous didn't last long. he walked me back to my room shortly thereafter. my girlfriend was already there, so she overheard our painfully awkward goodbyes. but i didn't know she could hear us, so when i got inside i was like, "yeah, he said it was just so refreshing, hanging out with someone who was smart, and motivated, and wasn't a total waste-oid." my friend: "really? because that's not how the conversation sounded on this end." me: "dang. busted. okay. i basically said 'isn't it so nice to hang out with someone sober rather than some gross drunk drug addict?' and he was like, "um, i guess." translation: i'm pretty sure the drunk druggie would have put out.

interestingly enough, the guys did actually seem to enjoy our company* and we spent the rest of the vacation hanging out ... during the daylight hours. the hot younger brother and i even ended up talking on the phone periodically and becoming pen pals for a long time thereafter. wracked with guilt, i quickly came clean about my real age. i remember one of the first letters he wrote me he said something like, "well, you lied about your age, so how do i know you didn't lie about everything else, like being on the honor roll and stuff." (why on earth i thought i should discuss my grades while being interviewed for the position of "vacation fling" is beyond me.) in any event. i did NOT take to kindly to him calling my academic prowess into question, so i set out to clear my good name. in my next letter... i.... mailed him.... my... report card. lolol... ooohhh myyyyy lord, please, just kill me now. i even remember explaining in great detail why i had one mere A amidst all the A+'s (naturally, the result of a highly unreasonable high school teacher).

* i just had this random recollection. one other potential explanation for the brothers' eagerness to befriend us (aside from our charm and devastating good looks, obv ;)) could be that they were holding out hope for some hot lipstick lesbian action. this may or may not have been the result of my girlfriend and i casually mentioning one day after the beach that we were going to go shower. guys: "together?" us: "yeah, why, is that weird?" omg. don't even ask because i don't have an answer. water conservation? a holdover from grade school? ummmm, yeahhhhhh. all i can say is we were honestly zero percent aware that (a) yes, in fact, this was a bit bizarre, and (b) to certain audiences, this might give a misleading impression of what was really going on in there. good lord. i just asked DM if he thought it was okay to include this part of the story, but he can't get past his initial reaction, which was, "wait, what? both of you? in one singular shower? and you were how old? but... why?" so, without the benefit of his helpful editing and guidance, i choose to overshare! i hope my friend, who shall remain nameless and blameless, doesn't divorce me for publicizing our idiocracy ;)

so, yeah, there's that. file it under "things to show my kids when they are 16 and think they're too cool for school," (alongside this post). also, file under, "don't let my daughter out of my sight, ever, between the ages of 12 and 33. (either that or make sure she's as big a tool as i was)."

that is all.


  1. Hilarious! Not sure which part cracked me up most, the shower "discussion" at the end or the mailing of the report card! Ha!

  2. Wow! I love that you became a pen pal with the one guy though!!

    1. I'm sure that was my idea. Hey guythz! Wanna be pen palthz? We can dithcuth our favorite bookth! ;)