Monday, May 19, 2014

i'm the naggy one

according to my little brother, between us three siblings, i am "the judgy oneand "the naggy one." this is probably not an unfair assessment. i tell him to cut his fingernails and stop scratching at his eczema and stop smoking and don't drink so much and grow up and finish school and get a job. hugs not drugs. and he's still mad at me for discouraging him from getting a snoopy tattoo when he was 17. (correction: a red baron snoopy tattoo ;) by the way, i didn't say "don't get it," i only wondered why someone who was an amazing artist would want to be a permanent brand ambassador for Peanuts cartoons. i suggested he draw something original instead. at the time i told him to wait six months and see if he still really wanted a snoopy tattoo, thinking there was a zero percent chance of that actually happening. but it's been five years now, so, brother, if you still want a snoopy stamp, consider this my blessing. maybe get a job first though, so you can pay for it yourself ;)

in my defense, i am the oldest, so it's sort of my job to be a big pain in the ass to my younger siblings, isn't it?


and, for better or for worse, since my mom and stepdad (brother's father) died, i basically dubbed myself his personal deputy and replacement mother figure, much to his chagrin.

and he probably has a point. i could certainly stand to be more "live and let live" in many respects. but some things i just can't let slide.

for example. when we're in the car, or the house, or the grocery store, or camping, or eating dinner, or, or, or .... and there is music on, he sings along at full volume. so i say "hey, brother, who sings this song?" brother: "Kenny Loggins." me: "let's keep it that way." brother: [if looks could kill.]

here is my humble opinion on the matter:

times it is cool to sing really, really loudly over other music -

when you are in the shower, alone
when you are in the car, alone
when you are at a karaoke bar (which is why i avoid karaoke bars)
when you are a broadway star or opera singer
when you are holding a musical instrument in front of a large crowd
when you are holding a guitar near a campfire
when you are in church
when you are in a choir
when you are auditioning for american idol, the voice, etc.

singing when there is no other music on is fine (or, for example, accompanying an instrumental piece), as long as your voice does not cause me physical pain. other than that though, let's leave it to the professionals.

he gets mad, but really it's nothing personal. i don't like when anyone does it. i am sort of a sound scrooge in general. my kids' whining and crying feels like a physical assault on my ears. seriously, i am in constant amazement that there is not actual blood seeping from my ear holes as a result of the endless fussing and fighting. the sounds of coughing, sniffling, chewing and swallowing can send me into murderous rage. (it's a legitimate medical condition. i swear.) i also really dislike whistling, unless it's like, in an otis redding song, in which case i want otis redding to do the whistling. but like, some random guy in line at the bank? i'm thinking to myself, shut the f*#% up man. keep your goddamn sunshiny day to yourself. just kidding. sort of ;)

and hey. i get humming the tune of some song you really love, or catching yourself bopping your head and singing to yourself. but in my brother's case it's a bit extreme because it is every song and he has a really deep resonant voice and he is very loud and he sings (and dances) with great gusto so it's sort of like a gay james earl jones shouting song lyrics at me... or like a white barry white auditioning for american idol, in my car. it completely obliterates the underlying piece of music. so basically i'm just listening to the "loud brother music" station on pandora. so i tell him to be quiet. so mean, i know. trying to stamp out that beautiful ray of sunshine ;) like i said. i'm a scrooge.

i can't be the only one. there has to be at least one other person in the world who feels this way.
whoever made this meme is my ears' soul mate.

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