Friday, October 10, 2014

all growed up

I will consider myself to be a fully fledged adult when:

I floss.

I can properly ration hot sauce for the duration of a burrito.

I can patiently wait until the pizza is not as hot as hades before I take a bite.

I can patiently wait for anything.

I can make the proper amount of spaghetti for a family of four, rather than a family of forty-four.

I can eyeball the amount of leftovers and choose the correct size storage container.

I know how long to microwave leftovers, without nuking the shit out of them.

I can use superglue without adhering my fingers to inanimate objects or each other. 

I can hear/speak the words Seaman, balls, and Count Duuku with a straight face. 

I can finish projects more than 13 seconds before they are due.

I have a working knowledge of how to fight laundry stains and fold fitted sheets.

I can do a load of laundry, start-to-finish, without anything ending up irrevocably wrinkly, smelling of mildew, having to be washed or dried more than once, and/or sitting folded in a leaning tower of Pisa for 3 weeks.

I can cook without measuring every 1/4 teaspoon or consulting the recipe 97 times.
I don't eat Skippy, Nutella or marshmallow fluff standing over the sink with a spoon. 

I don't hide candy from my children/husband... So that I can eat it myself.

I can buy a dessert that contains multiple servings without consuming it all in one sitting "so that I won't be tempted to eat it tomorrow." 

I don't say "Holy shit, I'm a mom," at least once a day.

I can keep up with regular maintenance of my car, my teeth, and my vagina.

I stop breaking out like a teenager.

I can accurately track my menstrual cycle and/or reliably have tampons when I need them.

I don't dig clothes out of the laundry hamper to wear to work.

I can unpack immediately following a trip instead of leaving a suitcase full of dirty clothes on my bedroom floor until the next time I have to travel.

I am not caught off guard every. single. time. the gas gauge is on E. like, "what the...?! again?!"

I can keep the fridge and pantry well-stocked, which means never running out of milk and having to serve dry cereal for breakfast.

I can actually prepare and serve the fresh food items I purchase, rather than letting 73% of them rot into foul and unrecognizable substances at the bottom of the vegetable bin.

I can provide home-cooked meals for my family every night without wanting to hang myself with al dente linguine.

And when I don't feel like cooking and we eat out, I can calculate the tip without using a calculator or making my brain hurt.

DM and I can wake up before the kids to make lunches, tidy the house, and do other grown up things, rather than using our kids as alarm clocks.

I can comfortably plan for my kids' college funds and my husband's and my retirement, as opposed to being proud of ourselves for paying off the credit card each month.

I can shop at real grown up stores instead of everything in my life being delivered in brown cardboard boxes by the UPS guy.

I can get in an elevator with my boss without getting the insta-sweats and saying something RE-diculous.

I can engage in "small talk" without looking like I am mentally challenged:
Me: How's it going?
Them: Good, and you?
Me: Friday.

I don't have to hold my pants shut with hair ties.

I stop shopping in the "juniors" section.

I wear something other than flip flops to work.

I get to sit at the "grown ups" table at holidays.

I come to grips with the fact that I am at least a decade older than the hot new Hollywood heartthrobs, and I am no longer the target audience for those angsty coming-of-age films.

I stop freaking out when doctors, lawyers, teachers, etcetera are younger than me.

I can be honest with the stylist when I hate my haircut, rather than pretending I love it and then crying in the car.

I know how to do cute things with my daughter's hair. Me: "So, sweet pea, do you want barrettes? Or do you want barrettes?"

I make fun of DM for losing his wallet and car keys all the damn time, but I literally lose my CAR in the parking garage almost daily so I really shouldn't judge. Those seem like things grown ups should be able to keep track of.

.... In other words ... I'm never gonna grow up!


How about you? What abilities/talents/basic survival skills do you hope to master when you grow up? ;)


  1. Oh my's like we share a brain!

  2. I agree with pretty much all of these. I also will not be a grown up until I stop wearing my favorite tennis shoes as often as possible, including in my office when (mostly) appropriate.

    1. Yes, Leigh! So true! I wear flip flops basically every day! If thongs are wrong I don't wanna be right ;)

  3. HAHA so awesome! I haven't grown up yet either. Also, is there supposed to be like a letter or something saying that we're the ones who plan holidays? I think my dentist is like 25 by the way. Sigh.