Tuesday, October 28, 2014

amish frolic

I would seriously suck at being a spy or part of the witness protection program. I can't even keep it together with my not-so-secret blog identity. I try to come up with fake names for everyone but then I forget what I fake-named them and I get really confused, and sometimes I accidentally use the wrong initials on my blog, thereby revealing the wizard behind the curtain, and/or call my kids their cheese names in real life, which is just sad.

Anyway, in my halfhearted attempt to stay semi-anonymous, I often look to types of cheese for alias inspiration. And that is how I discovered my new favorite website: cheese.com. Some women spend hours online looking at shoes or purses or nail designs or moto jackets or hypothetical home improvements or imaginary well-dressed children. No. Not me. I can spend hours looking at an alphabetical list of cheeses. There's one called "Abondance," which I love because I feel like life with cheese in it is abundant, except pronounced all fancy-like because it's French. "Ameribella?" That just sounds like it came straight from ole' Bessie down on the farm. And let's not forget "Amish Frolic" - how could you resist?! It's like Rumspringa for your mouth?!

I am a little sad that this is how we represent ourselves as a country:

"American Cheese"

Look. I have nothing against plastic-sheathed fake-orange cheese. There's a time and a place for all of God's delicious dairy creations. But really? This is the best we could do? This is what we choose as the paragon of cheese products in the U. S. of A.? I guess it does personify America pretty darn well.

Then there's "Aura, a diet-conscious delight." Do I hear angels singing? And that's just the "A's"! "Bermuda Triangle?" Disappear me into a bottomless black hole of cheese? Yes please! "Breakfast Cheese?" Absolutely! It's never too early for cheese! "Cahill's Whiskey Cheese" from Limerick, Ireland? Sold! Celtic Promise? Sounds like some sort of celibacy vow but I'll take it. And of course, my fave, Colby-Jack!

Okay. I'll stop now. But I really don't want to.

2 comments:

  1. I totally feel you on the semi-anonymous dilemma. It's especially hard when all sorts of things want your real name...or if you're me and foolishly set up all things blog related with your personal email thinking it would make things simple for you!
    Also, now I really want to expand my palate and try all these cheeses!

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    1. The other day I ordered something through a link on another blog post. Obviously, since my fake blog identity does not have her own credit card, I had to order it with my real name. The lady totally didn't believe me and was like, you said you ordered it on the blog post but I don't see your order, and you didn't "like" my facebook page, etc. I told her the situation but she still didn't buy it. I was like, sorry pal, I'm not revealing my super secret CIA persona for some beauty products! It was slightly funny and slightly stalkerish and made me glad I am at least semi-anonymous. It does get a bit tricky to manage though!

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