Tuesday, October 7, 2014

that time a preschooler put me in my place

this weekend was probably not my best showing as a mother and a human being.

first of all, i have to let you in on a shameful secret. please don't tell anyone.... but... i have sworn off sugar, alcohol, and white things (bread, rice, my smug sense of entitlement, etc). of course i'm not doing this for fun. or to lose weight. because LOTS of things taste as good as skinny feels. i'm doing it because i have been having a host of health problems for some time and western medicine has failed to provide a remedy and i'm getting desperate. so i turned to eastern/holistic/"natural" medicine. also it's only for a short period of time. i'd rather wear Depends at mealtime than spend the rest of my life without bread. we'll see how it goes. so far i just feel hangry and shittier than usual so i'm not super hopeful about the outcome.

(also, i definitely drank a flask of whiskey and basically ate a baguette dipped in cheese fondue halfway through the diet. so, there's that.)

it's kind of crazy though, how quickly you can recalibrate your expectations re: food and happiness. for example, there's this restaurant here called tender greens. it's tre popular, but i usually refer to it as "terrible greens" because they don't really have a lot going on for vegetarians who don't like vegetables. people always try to make me go but i would basically have to be roofied before i would go there on my own recognizance. and if i am there, expect to see me eating a salad bowl filled with mashed potatoes (the only yummy thing on their menu). their desserts are the WORST. they look SO DELICIOUS, but it's like eating a picture of a delicious dessert. someone should really tell them to put the gluten back into their cookies. anyway, they have this "happy vegan" salad that everyone raves about. i hate it. did you ever see "how to lose a guy in 10 days?" that scene where kate hudson takes matthew mccaughnahey to this hippy dippy place and he's pouring salt on his meal and stabbing it with his fork and muttering "rabbit food" under his breath? that's me. "happy" vegan my ass. more like "vegan who has no f*cking clue what they're missing."

BUT. the other day, out of desperation, i went there for lunch, and had the happy vegan salad, and, dare i say, i .. almost... enjoyed it??? so yeah. you, too, can willingly eat rabbit food if you deprive your stomach of things that actually taste good for long enough, i.e., more than 12 hours.

all of this is background to the scene friday night. it had been a long week. i was hungry and tired and teetotaling, which is not an ideal mental state when you are about to host a family dinner - a dinner where there will be seven children ages 6 and under. normally, this would send me straight to the liquor cabinet and/or i'd start sport-eating cupcakes to ease my nerves. to be honest, i'm usally too busy buzzing around being a stress ball when i'm entertaining and i forget to drink anyway. but it's nice to know it's there. i had no such crutch on friday. but luckily the littles took it easy on us. and there is something so singularly sweet and right about a bunch of little kids playing together. a different level of connection with these people you love (siblings, cousins, friends that are like family) - visible, (audible!) threads stemming from your shared past and extending, intertwined, into the future. i love it, even if it hurts my ears :)

still. being hungry and restricted to beverages made from unsweetened hemp milk tends to bring the real me a little closer to the surface than she generally resides. i usually sweeten up a bit when we have company, but take bread and wine and high fructose corn syrup out of the equation and i just don't have the energy to be pretend i'm nicer than i really am. i was laughing/lamenting with my sister and cousin because, you know how growing up you always had a favorite aunt, a favorite friend's mom? the cool, laid-back aunt? the fun mom? that will just never be me. i'm the mom/aunt with lots of rules and very little patience.

and all of that is a lead in to this next story.

okay. i have to preface this by saying that, lately, when jack hurts himself (or, doesn't hurt himself at all), he has taken to HEAVING his body onto the ground (if he's not already there), writhing around, and SCREAMING bloody murder like he just got a compound fracture or a fatal gut wound. i guess he just wants attention but the thing is, when you get closer to try to alleviate the situation, he just screams louder. i mean, LOUD. like, you can hear him from down the block, the entire park stops and stares, etc. he's like a brazilian soccer player and an italian opera singer rolled into one.

so, anyway, the other evening at the park, J kept running up and "shooting" me in the face with his "laser bwasters." i told him it wasn't nice to shoot his mom but he did not heed my warnings. then, he promptly slipped on the sandy sidewalk, and proceeded to SCREAM and writhe around on his back like a dying beetle. so i said, "sorry dude, that's what you get for shooting your mom in the face." some little kid within earshot shouted at me, "THAT IS NOT NICE!" and gave me the best disapproving parent look i have ever seen. DM starts cracking up. i shrugged and said, "sorry, kid" but he must have sensed the inauthenticity of my apology because he kept yelling, "THAT IS NOT A NICE THING YOU SAID! YOU NEED TO SAY SORRY BECAUSE [blah blah blah - couldn't hear him]... NOT. NICE. [heard that part loud and clear]." so, yeah. in case there was any question, it is now official. no one will ever accuse me of being nice.

i'm happy to report he quickly forgave me. (jack. not dr. phil, jr.) he even sat in my lap for an extended period of time which happens like 4 times a year. so i don't think he suffered permanent emotional scarring.

later that night at dinner, out of the blue, jack says, "i'm fweakin' tiowed of sitting here." there is no question about which parent that particular turn of phrase came from. WHOOPS. could be worse, i guess.

then yesterday when i went to pick the kids up from school, one of the teachers informed me that jack said he and his sister "ride in the trunk" in mama's car. dear lord. i could just see this look in her eyes, scanning, like, "are we gonna laugh about this or am i calling CPS?" thankfully she seemed satisfied with my explanation that they call the way-way-back "da twunk."

oh, and, the kids now demand candlelit baths with the dulcet tones of Rodrigo y Gabriela playing in the background, to kick-start the royal coronation jubilee that is our nightly bedtime routine. apparently i am raising Spanish royalty. or assholes. unsure. could go either way.

so anyway. as i said. probably not winning any parenting awards this weekend. but hey, you can't win 'em all.

luckily, right before colby went to sleep last night, she said to me, "you're 'DORable, mama." me: "awww. thanks baby. i think you're adorable, too." c: "no i is nawt! i am cowby jean mccheesy."

and all is well with the world.

well except the part about the bread and booze.



  1. Oh my gosh, this had me rolling! My little one also has a tendency to toss herself on the ground, what's really fun is when she does that as I'm chasing her and it looks like I pushed her. As for the diet changes, you are a stronger woman than I! I'm not sure there's anything in the world that could drag me away from beer and bread, including health issues. I'm fairly certain those are the most important food groups!

    1. Ahh I love the toddler "flop"! The diet is so hard! I keep whining to my husband, "IT'S NOT WORKING! WAAAAA!" He's like, it's been 3 days. But STILL! ;)

    2. Does he not realize 3 days is like a lifetime?! Hang in there, I'm rooting for ya!

    3. Exactly! ;) Thank you. I'm realizing this makes me sound like an alcoholic sugar fiend. I'm really not, I only drink a few drinks one the weekends and I've kicked the daily candy habit, but when you CAN'T have it, you just want it that much more! (or I do!)

  2. Thanks for the giggles. I dig how the 4yo MP is completely comfortable with shouting and calling you out for not being nice...seems a bit paradoxical... This made me remember my experience with a kid and mom in a mall playland that almost ended in fisticuffs. I just may have to write about that one. And since you are off the Juice, I will have an extra one for you tonight. I'm just that nice.

    1. Perfect! Thank you! I will be waiting with bated breath :)