Thursday, May 28, 2015

shit my kids say, vol. 3

When my kids are not causing me to curl up in the fetal position on a corner of the kitchen floor, they're cracking my shit up. Here's the most recent installment of mild to moderate hilarity from Jack ("four and free quarters") and Colby ("just plain free").

Jack: Refried beans = "Mexican hummus."

Colby: "Mac & cheese makes my heart happy." And she wanted to put butter on her cheese. Because, who wouldn't want to double up on two of the lord's most perfect creations. It's like the Beyonce and Jay-Z of dairy products. A match made in heaven.

Oh and they refer to Sriracha as "Awesome Sauce."
Jack likes a little kick, but Colby is not a big fan of "Picey Stuff."
C: "Twust me, I do NOT LIKE Awesome Sauce. It will burn up my frope [throat] and give me tummy twubbles!"
The kids have been into wrestling and whatnot lately. My sister and I never really did that and my brother is 11 years younger than me, so I am just making up the rules as we go along. The other night they were playing "American Ninja Princess Warrior" and there was a loud thunk and then tears. I yelled from the kitchen, "Keep your hands to yourselves, guys." J: "We ARE keeping our hands to ourselves! Just smashing bodies and heads!" Oh. Well then, Carry on.

And here's Colby's assessment of American Ninja Princess Warrior: "We both fight, but he falls down."

We still talk about Blue, my best old puppy dog who died at the age of 13 last August. Colby asked "How did Blue get to Heavens?" J: "Pwobly Heaven's Ambulance." That's definitely going to be the name of my death metal band.

C: "We miss you, Blue. You're welcome home. But you're dead." Hopefully tact is something that develops with age?

We also talk about our new dog, Feta, and her physiological challenges:

C: "Feta can't open pwesents cuz she doesn't has fumbs [thumbs]." And "I can't sit in Feta's lap cuz dogs don't has laps." Keen observation, child.

I had to take J to dog training class with me. He said "I pwomise I will be as peaceful as a wock."

Speaking of peaceful, the other day we were reading this book, "What peace means to me." I was asking the kids what peace meant to them, and Jack said "Peace means being helpful and respectful and being responsible. And peace means when there are only two pieces of pizza left and you want them both but your sister wants one, so you share with her." He added, " Then, I use my big boy voice and ask nicely for you and Daddy to buy me another pizza." Sounds about right ;)

C playing with a mermaid doll: "What's dis fwapping ting?"
Me: "Her mermaid tail."
C: "To kick bawls?"
Me: "If necessary." ;)

Oh and when we were planning Colby's third birthday celebrations she said "I want to have my birfday with Grandma and Grandpa. We can bwing my birfday to Delaware! But don't get my birfday dirty!"

And am I the only one whose kids are kind of morbid little weirdos?

J: "If you run a red light then the police officer will give you a ticket and then shoot you."

J: "Bad guys go in the 'shreddah' (I take it this is like a human-sized Ninja blender?) and get shredded and turned into a smoothie that monsters can drink through a straw." WTF?

C singing along to Frosty the Snowman: "Froooostyyyy da snowman, was alive and den was dead..."

But sometimes they're just cute and funny and strange.

DM to C: "Do you know you're the cutest daughter that I have?"
C: "Yep. Sometimes I'm bad, but I'm still willy cute, even when I'm bad."
Truth. And therein lies the problem. I swear it must be an evolutionary thing.

J: "Colby, dat is NOT appwopwiate for kids to say."

I don't know why but this made me laugh:

J: "Can we have bowtie pasta sometime? Aidan has it in his lunch."
Me: "Would you like it in your lunch?"
J: "No. I don't like cold pasta, mama. I've told you that maybe like 10 times or so."
Me: "I know, but you might change your mind. I love cold pasta."
J: "I will never change my mind."
Me: "You never know. Anything's possible."
J: "Mama, did you always like cold pasta?"
Me: "I think so."
J: "Well. Someday you might change your mind and not like it anymore. Anything's possible."
Me: "Anything's possible."

J: "Can you do such-and-such thing for me?"
Me: "I can't right now, bud. I'll do it in a few minutes."
J: "I need you to do it right now or else I'll turn into a statue."
Me: "Buddy, you have to be patient. I'm doing a million things at once here."
J: "Not really a million. Maybe like seven."
Me: "Okay. Seven. That's still a lot. Now can you get out of the kitchen? Please? I've asked you guys twenty times already."
J: "You haven't exactly asked twenty times. Only two or three."

J: "When I'm 18 I'll technically be an adult."

J: "What's da' big idea, woman?!"

C & DM having a lively conversation about the sounds poop makes when it hits the toilet. (Gross.)
C: "Don't make that face!"
DM: "Okay, sorry."
C: "I said don't make that face!"
DM: "That was a different face!"
C: "I don't want any of your faces right now!"
Sister, I know how you feel ;)

C: "Let's get ourselves situated." Let's :)

C: "I'm in jail because of my fwend."
J: "And he is pwobly no longer your fwend." Ha!

For Mother's Day weekend, we had a little "staycation" at a local hotel. We got a sitter while DM took me out to brunch Saturday, then he dropped me at the hotel to lounge while he ran the kids and the dog, and brought the kids and dinner around 5:30 or 6. At bedtime we're all saying our goodnights.
C: "Goodnight. I love you. I hope you sleep well. I had a wonderful day."
Me: "Aww, I had a wonderful day too!"
C: "What da HECK are you talking bout?! You're weren't even dare for any of it!"
Ouch! Knife to the heart. Ha. Well. I never said I had a wonderful day with you, punky brewster! :p

Lately Colby has been saying things like, "Send Daddy and email to 'wemind him' to bwing my blankie" (like, when he's in the other room). And she recently asked me to send a text message to Santa. A real 21st Century child!

I had knee surgery last week, and Colby's theory on my injury is as follows: "Mama ate too many tacos, and broke her knee."
Me: "Hey! The doctor said I was a perfectly healthy weight! This is not a taco-induced injury!"
J: "The doctah was wrooooong."

Me, playing Memory with Colby: "You have an excellent memory. I'm impressed."
C: "Because I have a good heart!"
Me: "You do have a good heart! Also a big brain."
C: "And I'm stylish." *Raising eyebrows up and down behind sunglasses.*

Colby noticed a three-day-old injury in the bath today. It was like experiencing the pain and trauma all over again. She needed a moment. Then she said "I tink dis is da worst ting dat ever happened to me."
J: "No it isn't. You could've been shot in the head. Or stabbed with electricity. Sensei wouldn't cry 'bout an elbow."
Welcome to Real Talk with Jackson Jay.

C: "I made this necklace for you because you're my special curly girl."
Me: "Oh my gosh, thank you so much!"
Two minutes later -
C: "You have to share it because I also made it for Jack. Take it off now."

Me: "Colbs, will you snuggle me for a minute?"
C: "I'll snuggle you forevah and evah." *Patting me.* "I'll always take care of you, Mama."
Me: Awww. *Heart melting.*
C: *Scrunching up her face.* "What's dat smell???"
Me: "What smell?"
C: "P-U! Dat's your stinky coffee bweff! You need to go bwush yo' teef, Mama. Den you can come back and snuggle. Go ahead. I'll save your spot."

Oh man, and this killed me:

[Heard while swimming]
C: "Daddy, don't let go of me until I'm ready."
DM: "Baby, I won't let go of you until long after you're ready." <3

(For a retrospective of sh*t my kids say, see volumes I and II. Also, sh*t my husband says. And volume IV is coming soon. My kids are just SO HILARIOUS I couldn't fit it all in one post ;))

If you liked this, you'll love my essay in I Still Just Want To Pee Alone. Buy it HERE!


  1. Holy shit. HILARIOUS! Mine is almost 5 months and I'm so looking forward to when she can express what is going on inside that adorable little head of hers.

    1. 5 months what?! It happens so fast. I was just getting nostalgic last night because someone posted how their kid says "dumb fuck" instead of dump truck and I was like, awwwww, my baby used to do that! Waaaa! ;)

  2. Hey, Mack...I may have nominated you for the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award (okay, I did)...I hope you're down with that. You don't have to participate, and I understand if you can't...but I hope you do! :)