Friday, April 1, 2016

Sh*t My Kids Say, Vol. 5

Friends, I'm going to be so sad when my kids stop being unintentionally hilarious!!! I can already kind of see it happening a little. I know I'm probably supposed to correct them and stuff but honestly, when my daughter stops saying "stampled" instead of "stapled," I will cry.

The fifth installment:

C: "Awwwww, I willy willy wish I could have a tiny baby unicowin, but Mama's allergic." Um, whut?

J: "This is a fwendship wing. It shoots fwendship into your soul." I need one of those!

I am one hundred years tall.

My feet weigh 37.8 pounds.

Tortilla = Torta-tilla.

Taxi = Shark Car (because of the 'fin' on top).

Chamomile tea = Camel tea.

Ghost Busters = Ghost mustard.

Feliz Navidad = Police Navidad.

J: Allen Wrench = Cool Ranch Screwdriver. LOL.

C: I need my booty [beauty] rest.

J: (re: spicy stuff) It tastes so good, but it doesn't feel so good.

S: Can you put my hair in a "bunch" like a ballerina? (Or a bun. Whatevs.)

J: About the pilgrims: "It was a hard trip through rough waters and all they had to drink was beer and wine." So... it wasn't all bad. ;)

J: "I want to go surfing this weekend, unless the waves are super gnarly." Ha! Welcome to SoCal, bro.

At the "beach." Should I be concerned he visualizes himself as a surfing sad clown/Jack Skellington? ;)
C: When she "accidentally" hurts brother's feelings. "I just didn't wealize..."

C (about the dryer): "It's like a wrinkling oven." Oh dear.

C: Bignormous.

There's a restaurant in our neighborhood we like called "Hapi Fish." We were talking about where we should go to dinner and Colby said, "We could go to Hapi Fish, or we could go to Sad Fish." Which is apparently what she calls the other sushi place down the street. Probably not going to be a marketing mastermind ;)

"Doctor Colby" and "Doctor Jack." C: We live in Ant-Doctor-Ka. Because we're doctors. And because it's dawk for most of the day there.

J and C were looking at their passports and J was explaining to C:

"This is the Statue of Liverty"


"And this is Buffalo Wild Wings"
Me: Wow, Jill always gives you juice. Lucky you. Mama never gives you juice.
J: I already know what you're gonna say, Mama. All that juice stwesses you out. But pwease don't tell her not to give us juice anymore. Dat would stwess ME out!

Driving on the freeway overpass the other day, Jack looks down and says, "Man, there's so much twaffic on the 5 these days." Thanks, gramps. Is your bad knee telling you it's gonna rain tomorrow, too? :)

Jack asked to borrow Colby's new skateboard. Her response: "My hawt is telling me no, but you can still use it." And later, when she, somewhat forcefully, took it back he started crying, "She STOLE her skateboard from me!!!"

J: "I hope you won't take this as a threat, but Colby is going to keep crying until you go get her some water."

C telling a story: So, um, so, we played this game... and then... we played this other game... and then ... we rode bikes... and then... we went to home depot... J: I played soccer! C: JACK INTAWUPTED ME!!!! Me: Sorry babe. Sometimes it's hard for us to know you're still talking because, you, um, stop.

But, apparently, this isn't a two-way street. The kids were riding bikes out front and Jack was trying to explain "The Rules of Engagement." Colby just bikes off. Jack gets upset and says "Colby! You have to listen to me! You can't just ride away!" She pays no attention so Jack goes to tattle to Daddy, who waffles. Colby does a drive-by and says, "I don't have to listen if you take a willy, willy long time to tell the stowy and it gets bo-wing." Fair enough.

Sitting on the couch in the playroom. Me: "What is this stuff all over the couch?" Colby: "It's eithah bwead cwumbs or boogahs." WTF?! Cue talk about boogers and Mom's furniture. I'm sure that one really sunk in.

I overhear Jack: "...dimensional portal..."
Me: What's a 'dimensional portal'?
J: DI-mension portal, mama.
Duh.

C: Will you hand me the Valcony?
J: It's the Millenium Valcon, not Valcony.
Me: Actually I think it's the Millenium Falcon.
C: I was just about to say that.

The kids are super into being "waiters" and helping set the table, etc. Jack brought a bowl of hot pasta to the table and when I took it from him I said, "Wow! That's hot! Isn't that hurting your hands?" He shrugged and said "I don't know, I'm just used to it, I guess. I touch willy hot things all the time, like lava and stuff." Oh, right, of course ;)

C and J were trying to get the particulars of how DM and I came to be "one." C to DM: "So you weren't always mawwied? Ima and Baba didn't always know Mama? You and Mama were STWANGERS???" DM: "Well, we were strangers and then were were friends and then we fell in love and then we got married." C: "I need to find myself a nice stwanger to marry someday." Sounds like a Disney movie to me :)

Jack's definitely going to be a vegetarian once he realizes I avoid meat on purpose and not because I'm "allergic." He always asks "Is this made from an aminal?" And FYI, watching Charlotte's Web didn't help. The other day we were trying to get him to eat some bacon and he was protesting and Colby said, "Jack, you need to eat pwotein so you can gwow up to be my big, helfy bruddah. If you don't has pwotein, den you won't gwow, and den you won't be my BIG bruddah anymore, you'll be my little bruddah." She makes a persuasive argument :)

We saw this weird retro ad on TV for KFC and Colonel Sanders was wearing a bolero tie. Colby asked, "Why is dat man wearing a leash?!"

C: You can pick your fwends, but nobody else can pick your nose, right mama?

The other morning DM and I said we would play Rock Paper Scissors for who was going to do bedtime. As I was putting them to bed, Jack says, "So I guess you won rock, paper, scissors, huh mama?" Yeah, something like that ;)

The kids were just vacuuming each other with a dust-buster. That means we can skip bath, right?

Jack: I'm da magic tooter because my toots don't stink!
Colby: MINE DO!

Colby made a sandwich on a King's Hawaiian roll with buttery noodles in the middle. I think she's mine :) She was also dipping her carrots in butter AND ranch the other day (ew), which probably negates any nutritional value they might have, but hey, you know me and ranch go way back :)

Colby: "I'm just a little girl with little ears, so dat's why I can't be a good listenah."

The kids wanted an "after dinner treat" and I said we didn't have time for them to have lollipops because they take for-freaking-ever, so they spent the next 47,000 minutes painstakingly choosing something from their Easter baskets. I finally said "C'mon guys, hurry it along, will ya?" And Jack said, "Well, did is what happens when we don't get lollipops."

C: Mama, do you want to hear dis lovely music on the carmonica?

C: I like da rain because California is in a sewious dwought and we need watah!

J went through this short phase where he was calling C a pygmy shrew??? (Sounds like "pygmy shwoo.") No clue where he got this, but it just SLAYED me. And it's pretty accurate, actually. lolol.

The other day I drove right past the doggy daycare place. I said, "Oh man, I almost totally forgot the dogs! What a mean mama!" Colby said "It's okay. You look like a mean mama but you're actually not, so I still love you." Ummm, thanks?

C: "Mama, you're a lot pwetty and a little bit fun." Well, hey, we can't all be the life of the party.

J telling me that his teacher has this "magical spray" that makes boo-boos feel better. Me: Oh, maybe I should get some. J makes this face like, Ooooooh....hmmm... that's going to be a problem. He says "Welllll... It's at a pwace you and daddy don't willy like vewy much... It's ... at... [whispers] Walmawt." Ha. Sorry Walmart.

Meanwhile, at Target, my mothership. We were there the other day. DM was out of town. I told them if they were good we could go out to lunch after. Jack had this total tantrum in the store because I wouldn't buy him some toy. I was totally flabbergasted because usually they're really good out and about and I had somehow, by the grace of God, avoided the stereotypical tantrum in Target scenario thus far. I was saying, out loud, "Really? This is actually happening? Are we seriously doing this right now?" He kind of pulled it together but then lost his shit again as we were going out to the car. I got my first "I HATE YOU!" which was simultaneously jarring, heartbreaking, and hysterical. I said, No lunch! And he said, "FINE! Then I'm gonna make you MAKE me lunch and you're gonna HATE IT because YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO COOK!" Damn, kid! Et tu, Brute?

Me: UGH! Who peed on the toilet, AGAIN?
C: It wasn't me! My pwivates don't move. Jack is the only one's whos pwivates move ALL OVAH DA PLACE! It musta been him.

Colby tickled Jack until he was laughing hysterically and then asked, "Did I make you pee a little?" lolol, wonder where she got that idea? Post-kid bladder control's a biatch.

C: Tell Jack to stop singing that song, it's hurting my foot!!!

J stuffed a big ole seaweed chip into his mouth. Colby said, "Dat's not appwopwiate, Jack." He replied "It's not inappwopwiate, it's just bad mannahs." (He then outlined the parameters of "inappwopwiateness," including but not limited to fawt jokes and potty woids.)

The other day C knocked over a whole tower of Magnatiles and said, "Mother of God!" Oopsies. Could be a lot worse, I guess ;)

I decided to outlaw gummy vitamins for dental hygiene reasons, so I bought some regular chewable vitamins (which, PS, are even worse) and Jack saw them and said, "Colby, Look! Mama bought us these awesome old school vitamins!" Flinstones are so retro.

Colby (who just turned 4) thinks the alphabet goes "A, B, C, T.... Y M Z." Second child. She'll learn it eventually, right? ;)

For a long time, the girl wouldn't let us leave her room at night. We had to go through all these machinations and negotiations but I finally figured out the answer: Good ole reverse phychology.
Me: Okay, time to sleep. But I'm soooo tired. I think I'll just sleep here.
C: Well, you need to get up and go into your own bed.
Me: So sleepy though.
C: Seriously, Mama. Get outta my bed!
Me: But it's so comfy! And you're so snuggly like a fluffy pillow!
C: Well, there's not enough room in this bed for two.
Don't let the door hit ya... ;)

Colby's teacher was talking to DM about Colbs and her little BFF. "One's the mother figure and the other's the drama queen." DM said "Which one's which?" And the teacher said "I'll leave you to figure that out." DM was recounting this to me and Colby pipes in, "I'M THE QUEEN!"

J: "I wish we could play 'the hooky' tomorrow." Me too, bud. Me too.

C to J: You're a rat-a-tootie and I'm a rat-a-cutie!

J: Abe Linked-In. (History in the 21st century.)

Colby is EXTREMELY CONCERNED that our dogs do not have the same last name as her. Her own mother? Eh. But the dogs? This is NOT OKAY and must be remedied IMMEDIATELY.

When I asked the girl what kind of birthday party she wanted: "Wainbow spawkle unicorn jumping over a wainbow spawkle bwidge of wainbows." Alrighty then.


She also said, "You thought of the name Wainbow when I was in your tummy, but you didn't want that even though it was a pwetty name, then Golden came into your head and you said, "We can give her golden hair but name her Colby with wainbows in her hawt." <3

J: You know what I like, Mama?
Me: What?
J: Being a kid.
Awww <3 This is especially sweet coming from our resident Eeyore.

I heart them.
To read more funny sh*t my kids say:

My husband thinks he's pretty funny, too: 

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