Wednesday, June 8, 2016

On Nader and Nazis

"One word: Nader."

My friend JCW posted this on Facebook after the California Primary on Tuesday, and I think he summed it up perfectly.

Naturally, I'm going to add a lot more words, as I am wont to do. I know I "shouldn't." I know probably no one has been swayed by a political blog post in the history of ever, but I can't help myself.

I keep reading stuff like "I would rather swallow broken glass than vote for 'Shillary.'" Or "This 'lesser of two evils,' two-party system is what got us into this mess, we need to do something to change it, if not now, when?" And I just feel like the over-excited kid in the front row of the classroom jumping up and down with my hand in the air like "Oh, wait, I know! Me! Me! Pick me! I know! Me! Me!" If not now, when, you ask? How about WHEN THE ALTERNATIVE IS NOT THE FLAMING DUMPSTER FIRE THAT IS DONALD DUCKING DRUMPF!!!!!!!

Listen. I get it. I like Bernie too. I voted for him. And Hillary should take his message to heart. I mean, is she the magical rainbow unicorn of presidential candidates? No. But are you seriously telling me you'd prefer that spray-tanned shit-stain to her? Because those are the choices on the table. (I'm allowed to engage in petty name-calling because I'm not running for freaking president.)


Yes, the system with its super-PACs and super-delegates is super messed up. We should work to change that. 100%.

Yes, the "mainstream media" calling the vote for Hillary before anyone actually voted? That sucked.


But let's be real, she's bringing it with the popular vote. And she shellacked him in California.

No, she's not perfect. But since when is perfection a presidential requirement? On the other hand, not being a bigoted bag of hot air is a prerequisite. Or at least, it should be.

In my humble opinion, now is not the time to take some symbolic, ideological stand. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face, or, don't throw the baby out with the bath water, or, uh, don't cut off a baby's nose and throw it in the river for fish food, or whatever. Are you pickin' up what I'm laying down? Donald Trump, people. I am so completely dumbfounded by this well-heeled nazi orangutan's rise to the top that I can't even think of any witty repartee. This shit is serious. This is not the time to fuck around.

I still can't even believe this is happening. It continues to, and will forever and always boggle my mind that we are where we are today. I remember playing a particularly terrible basketball game in high school. I think we were losing, badly, to like, Waldorf or something. Anyway, at halftime, our normally good-natured basketball coach gave us a tongue-lashing. She was like, "You guys are embarassing yourselves. Pull your shit together." I feel like America needs that pep talk right now.

I know you can find "evidence" to support any position you want. (For real though, people need to calm the fuck down with this Google PhD, Professor Emeritus in Bullshit business.) But I really don't think Hillary's as bad as the haters make her out to be. It makes me wonder why we (myself included) have this knee-jerk negativity toward her?

Ezra Klein writes "There is something about Clinton that makes it hard to appreciate the magnitude of her achievement. Or perhaps there is something about us that makes it hard to appreciate the magnitude of her achievement." You can read the whole article on Vox: "It's time to admit Hillary Clinton is an extraordinarily talented politician."

Look. You're allowed to be mad. Hell, you SHOULD be mad. "If you're not mad, you're not paying attention." Isn't that a famous quote? But be mad about real things and not things you read on PawPaw's Facebook page. And don't sabotage America out of spite. If you want to put some actual facts in your brain cage, here's some extra credit for ya:

Read this article on Salon - "Hillary's Amazing Achievement: Understanding the Magnitude of Clinton's Historic Win."

Read the Jill Abramson article in the Guardian - "This May Shock You: Hillary Clinton is Fundamentally Honest." 


Read the book "Game Change."

Consult Politifact, Snopes, and/or FactCheck.org before you start regurgitating a bunch of shit the internet told you.

Read things from sources other than Facebook.

Or just skip all that and read, "Clinton and Sanders and the End of the Road," by John Scalzi on Whatever, which is basically everything I wanted to say, but better, and can be summed up thusly: "Jesus fucking Christ, the GOP is nominating Donald Trump. I would vote a lukewarm bowl of soup into the White House before Donald Trump." "He's the walking manifestation of Dunning-Kreuger." By the way, I swear I likened Trump to a "flaming dumpster fire" before I read "a rampaging goddamn trash fire" in this post. It's just too accurate to change. How better describe the man than an orange-hot pile of slime, filth, and putrescence?


Sidebar - All this baloney about how our country is in dire straights and we need to "Make America Great Again" really chaps my hide. I mean, obviously, there is room for improvement. See, Exhibit A, Donald Trump. See also, North Carolina, Westboro Baptist, Ferguson, Brock Turner, and that creepy Duggar dude, to name a few. If I could give Donald Trump one iota of credit, it is that he has revealed my naivete to me, because, up until recently, I mistakenly believed there were only a handful of bigoted trolls throwing stones on the interwebs from the comfort of mommy's basement. I didn't realize there were enough of them to nominate a certified ass clown for president. That being said, I still think we're doing better than most. Or, we were....

This whole America the Terrible refrain reminds me of when we lived in the Virgin Islands. We sometimes hung out with this friend-of-a-friend named Greggo, who, just to paint a picture for you, carried spare thong bikini bottoms in his backpack (new with tags, he wasn't a complete monster). He'd regularly haze female friends and acquaintances on the beach, pressuring them to get naked, and if they balked, he'd offer the thong-compromise. Good times, good times.

Anyway, whenever we were at one of a handful of the most gorgeous, calendar-worthy beaches on the planet, he would (repeatedly) make the same dumb joke, saying "I hate this beach! This beach sucks!"

Actual beach. Did not suck.
And that's kind of how I feel about people who whine about how poorly America is doing. Let's take a closer look, shall we? Gas is $2, unemployment is below 5%, ten million more people have health access to healthcare, someone other than a dead white guy is going to be on our currency, my little brother and countless friends and relatives can legally validate their love, a woman is the presumptive democratic presidential nominee...


All things considered, Obama didn't do half bad for himself. #CuzObama, but like, in a good way. I swear to God if this overgrown oompa loompa becomes president, President Obama is going to look like goddamn George Washington over here. But that won't be my problem, because I'll be drinking pina coladas on the shitty beach pictured above.

P.S. - Donald Trump's "Make America Great Again" hats are made in an LA garment factory by Latino immigrants, because, of course they are.

To bring it full circle, I guess I shouldn't get too "fweaked out." As my boyfriend Lin-Manuel pointed out in his Rolling Stone interview, "Twas ever thus," In other words, American politics has long been a shit show and we've made it this far. Apparently, in the election of 1800, Jefferson accused Adams of being a hermaphrodite, and Adams attempted to spread the rumor that Jefferson was dead!

Anyway, the moral of the story is, Donald Trump is the fucking worst. Count me in, Hilly-Bean. (PS If you haven't checked out the #GirlIGuessImWithHer hashbrown on The Twitter, it's pretty funny.)

That is all.

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